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“No” is an Acceptable Answer

May 14th, 2006

Projects are like cars, and decisions are like intersections. Do we go straight, or do we turn? In busy traffic, drivers depend on assistance from passengers. But, a certain type of passenger represents the highest risk to making the right choice.

A high risk person cannot or will not say the word, “no.”

We love to say the word, “yes” when it means something positive to the recipient. It feels good. It makes people happy. The person getting the “yes” answer feels no pain or frustration, and they are more willing to consider you a friend or go-to person in the future. This is utilitarianism at its best.

But what happens when “yes” is not the right answer? The dilemma: refrain from saying “no” to avoid potentially causing turmoil, or give the correct response and deal with the confrontation?

Consider the consequences of not saying “no.”

First, the request goes unanswered truthfully or directly. Time wastes away. Frustration builds. Second, the person that needs to know the answer is not able to make other plans or formulate an alternate path. He or she is stuck in a holding pattern or makes decisions based on limited data. This historically results in missed deadlines, over-run budgets, and decreased morale. Sometimes it even manifests as passive-aggressive behavior—ignore the confrontation and hope it will go away or solve itself.

What is worse; the answer “no” or not knowing at all?

If a client or colleague cannot say the word, “no” then it is a high-risk situation. So, how do you help a “No-no” person communicate? Simple. Ask them to answer with a distinct yes or no. Or, ask very direct questions. Tell them, “No is an acceptable answer. I need to know your answer.”

When I am in a situation with a “No-no” person and the answer is obviously not yes, it is painful to watch him or her stumble as they avoid the actual word. So, I sometimes interrupt the conversation with a kind, “I understand. That means no.”

I have the deepest admiration for people who can confidently, clearly, and respectful say no. It means they value time and are honest.

So, when you are a passenger in the car and you see the driver getting ready to make a wrong turn, do you confront the issue? Or, do you hope they will get the message by other physical queues? Chances are when the driver makes a wrong turn and realizes you knew it was going to happen, he or she will ask you, “why didn’t you say something before I turned?”

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